"At the end of the day, you're responsible for yourself and your actions and that's all you can control. So rather than be frustrated with what you can't control, try to fix the things you can." -Kevin Garnett
If you have followed me for a while, you will know that I have spoken a bit about Forgiveness and how incredibly NECESSARY and PROFOUND it can be, not to mention HEALING! Yes, it can be daunting because of all the years of shit that may have built up. It may be something you've held onto for a long time that you honestly don't know how you'll feel without it. Don't think there are people who feel that way? I can tell you there are--because I am one of them.
Am? Don't you mean was? No, I am. That's right. I am opening up and showing you that I am not perfect. I speak from a place of deep pain, hurt, and betrayal. I recognized that I needed to forgive so I could heal and let me tell you, this has been an issue for me for about the past two years. I kept "trying" to forgive and heal so I could release the pain and move forward but it wasn't happening. Actually, it even seemed like after I did a spell to release it, it was easier for me to be triggered!!! What?! That is the complete OPPOSITE of what I wanted!
It really started making everyday life hard and I was just continuing harboring this deep resentment towards this person and becoming so full of anger and pain. So, I decided to journal about it. I don't typically journal, regardless of how many pretty books I buy, simply because my hands cramps up. I have a bad cyst on my one wrist so it just never seems like a good idea...then I realized they have online journals now! Duh! Makes it hard to believe I do a lot of my work on a computer with the internet, right?
I found a journaling site that I like (I'll link to it at the bottom in case you would like to give it a whirl--and no, I am not being paid to endorse them. I sincerely enjoy the site.). I created a journal and just blocked out time to write. I just wrote without judgement and allowed every bit of those feelings to come forward. I embraced them because I needed to understand them. My little sister came in and found me sobbing while I was typing. She asked if I was okay and I said yeah, just getting some clarity. She said okay and left. Then my dad came in to ask if I was okay because he heard I was crying. I said yes, just journaling and getting some shit off my chest. He nodded and left. I think I spent an hour just typing before I was done and it was one of the rawest experiences in my life.
I didn't filter any of it out. I was fair but did record everything that had happened in my own viewpoint. I allowed myself to be angry, hurt, betrayed, and upset. As I sat there, looking at what I had written, one line in particular stuck out to me. "I don't think I can ever forgive her for what she did." I was sealing my pain with that one line that had been repeating around in my heart and subconscious. That line that explained why I couldn't get rid of it and why I was easily becoming triggered. I was holding onto the pain because I didn't want to forgive. I didn't want to release it. It had been festering these past two years and instead of actually getting to the source of my problem and dealing with it, I was just covering it up and crying out "oh why me?!".
We forget that the forgiveness isn't necessarily for the other person. It's for ourselves. It's because we DESERVE to live a peaceful life. We deserve to enjoy our lives. By clutching to the slights of others, we are giving them power over ourselves. We give our power away and then whine when we feel hopeless and that it's out of our control. As Maya Angelou said, "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." We're people with emotions, desires, needs, and motivations which is going to inevitably lead to hurt feelings, betrayal, and pain. However, these are meant to be growing experiences, temporary, not permanent.
So, if you are feeling like this, if you've had someone wrong you, I invite you to let yourself get raw and find out exactly what is going on. Journal about it. If you're afraid of someone reading it (like I was) use an online journal that has a password. The site I use only uses a password when logging in but I'm sure there are other sites that do. It was through journaling that I realized what I thought I was upset about wasn't actually the problem. Instead the issue was a lot deeper than I had ever imagined. But now that I know that, I can work to properly heal it. Not for her but for myself. Because I am retaking my power and I deserve peace from the situation.
Now is a good time to do it as well considering the Full Moon is Thursday which can help you find greater insight into the issue and the waning moon is best for releasing. You deserve peace. It's time to reclaim your power. Do it because you're worth it.
Brightest of Blessings,
The Autumn Witch
Journaling Site: www.jrnl.com