I'm going to get super honest with you right now. I am afraid of time..or more accurately, afraid of running out of time. Yup, like many people out there I fear death as I'm afraid of not achieving even half of my dreams and goals while simultaneously fearing that I've been wasting the time I've already had. Quite a crisis for someone not even thirty, hmm?
I just turned 27 in July and my heart stopped for a moment when I realized how close I'm inching towards 30. I mean, I am still single without children, living at home, and have yet to finish my college degree. Though that's more of a financial issue...Like where in the hell is my life going and why have I spent YEARS doing nothing??? I've taken a couple steps forward, only to be knocked back several more. It's been a constant struggle of push and pull, with doubt and fears winning more often than not, leaving me practically in the same place as I was...or so I thought....
As I realized we're only a month away from 2020, I expected to feel the same nauseating sense of terror and panic--yet I didn't. It was completely absent and instead I was overcome with a deep sense of gratitude, excitement, and hope. That was a very much welcomed change!! As I sat there and began reflecting on this approaching new decade (crazy, right!) as well as the past year, I acknowledged that this decade does not have to travel with me into the '20s! Can we just write the '20's or does that leave us open to confusing 2020 with the Roaring Twenties? Anyways, I could feel the immense energy of this threshold and it felt welcoming and bright. This was a completely fresh start and all we have to do is step over that threshold. All we have to do is make a choice and make the committed promise to do and choose differently.
Obviously that doesn't mean everything will magical turn around for us but it gives us the encouragement and strength to press forward. We will find ourselves facing the same situations until we work towards changing them which will be easier with that newfound resolve. It all begins with a choice then disciplined action. That may seen scary but the truth of the matter is that in order to create any lasting change, to truly release and transform any situation, we must make the committed and determined effort to do the work. We can't willy-nilly it. We have to make the promise then keep it.
For some of us, the freshness of a clean state gives us the courage to do what needs to be done. Just the mere thought of, "This is a new year and it can be differently, if I so choose!" holds immense power, if you allow it. Our thoughts hold immense sway over our emotions. This is one reason I find personal development such an important aspect of my life. Speaking of which, this realization of the swift arrival of 2020 not only allowed me a fresh perspective regarding the future but also helped me understand the past in a much more objective light.
Not only objective but kinder. Remember how I was whining over my "wasted years"? All those things that I believed happened so so long ago actually hadn't been quite that long at all. In fact, June 2010 was when I graduated high school (I was 17 and still quite young in maturity though certainly didn't believe so!). I started my freshman year in college late August 2010! This span of time is typically when young adults are in a sort of exploratory period where they're trying to figure out who they are, what they believe in, what they want to do, etc.. This was meant to be a time of growth and maturing. It's a time when some of life's hardest lessons are learned because we simply don't know any better. I was learning. We don't look back on a child's life and tell them they should've known as toddler's how to do big kid things! This allowed me to not only gain perspective on the whole process but also give myself more love and compassion.
I'm no longer that 17 year old girl who longed for freedom, adventure, and to just feel desired. I lived life by the seat of my pants and reveled in spontaneity. However, regardless of how desperately I've tried in the past to reclaim that self, I can't. She simply doesn't exist any longer which is a good thing, really. I realized that if I was the exact same person, doing the exact same thing, ten years later then I'd have wasted time. I grew which is what we're all meant to do so continuously chastising myself and holding the hardships and mistakes of the past isn't serving me any good. Why am I punishing myself for the deeds of a person I no longer am? (Is that not a form of redemption?) I reclaimed my spiritual path which interestingly enough was something I'd known about as a child but that's a topic for another day! I discovered an interest in law and politics, causing me to now want to pursue a paralegal degree versus the teaching degree I'd started in 2010.
It's okay to be completely different and, often times, I can barely find any remainders of the old me left. It took me years to understand that I wouldn't remain the same and I resisted so hard against the change. I liked who I was and didn't acknowledge any of my flaws. Now I'm perfectly content to be different. It means I've taken those lessons learned and implemented them into my life so I could grow and evolve. Evolve...kinda sounds like a Pokemon lol!
When I realize it's only been 10 years since that major point in my life, I can better relate to the concept of time and objectively review what's all happened in my life. I can witness the achievements and the struggles. Throughout these ten years, I've lost my grandmother and great grandmother, uncles and cousins; I've been homeless, jobless, afraid to be myself, striving to stay the same...those moments were battlefields in my life. I've lost friends and family members who just didn't resonate with my any longer.
On the flip side, I had gone to my dream school, my Spanish is still growing (I never lost my love for it!), I have more French, I passed my Health Licensing Exam and was certified, worked for a well-known Health Insurance Company, traveled to Nicaragua, started school for my Paralegal Studies, become part of a beautiful sisterhood and made new friends, live in an apartment in the city, have a vehicle to drive again, have a way better relationship with my dad than when I was in school. The lows have been some of the lowest I could've gone but the highs have made it all worth it.
This decade felt like it lasted forever and in those dark moments of my life, I swore they would never end. Now, as I reflect back on it all, I realize that ten years really isn't that long. Not compared to forty or fifty years, for example. This literally was the decade that I became an adult in and I wouldn't have realized that without meditating on this approaching decade and what it meant. It lifted my narrow belief and observation of time, instead allowing me a glimpse the reality of it all. I can take those struggles and achievements, dissect them a bit to understand what I could've done better (though many of them were more about just maturing so those probably not...) and ensure to carry those lessons over as I step into this fresh decade.
I can release the heaviness, the bitter, the anger I held towards the past so I can truly step forward with a light spirit and heart, with courage and strength, excitement and hope.
Take some time to truly look over the past decade. Look through pictures, journals, planners, whatever you have, and realize that it really hasn't been as long as we think. Yes, on the outside ten years does seem like a lot but in the grand scheme of things, we recognize that it's just a piece of our lives and doesn't have to continue being part of our story. We have the power to let it go. To choose and live differently.
How is 2020 going to be for you? What are your intentions, goals, and dreams? Make a promise to yourself to follow through with your commitment.
*Keep an eye out for my next post for 2020 which will be a ritual to release the 2010's and welcome the 2020's. It's a new year--always exciting--that also begins an entirely new ten year cycle!*
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