I remember back when I was a senior in high school it was such a big deal to "friend" every one in your graduation class. Not that any of us spoke to one another, outside of our friends. Yet it was something we just all did. No one told us to, we weren't sitting there one day and just decided let's do this. We just felt compelled to. We kept tabs on everybody, comparing our lives and progress against theirs which for some was great and for others, devastating.
Eventually, halfway through my Freshman year at college, I saw my friends list which was in the thousands. Everyone I met, I friended. Even if we only spoke for like 5 minutes. As I sat there and looked at my friend's list, I realized it was only a number. They had become blank faces for me to compare my life which would ultimately lead me to self-judgement and damnation. I would try to "out beat" their wonderful life and when I couldn't, I berated myself. I was cold and harsh with myself. I didn't believe I was good enough for anything.
I spoke about this realization with a friend and she shared the same story. Most of us in my group of friends had done the same thing, regardless of being from different states and never having met before school. Why then did we find it so necessary to put this unneeded pressure on ourselves? I figured maybe it was something nostalgic--these were the people we'd just spent four, if not more, years with. Why then was it so hard for me to unfriend them? They were just empty space on my page. There was no dialogue, no discourse, no interactions. Practically no one liked my posts unless we were "real-life friends", just as I didn't theirs.
I wanted connection. Authenticity. Simplicity. So, after literally having to take a deep breath, I cut the cords. I unfriended everyone from my Senior year that I didn't talk to. Believe it or not, this was incredibly hard for me because most of these people had been the nicest in school. I was by no means popular but I was friendly enough that I could greet and speak to members of all social cliques. I never stepped out of my boundaries, never forced a conversation, in short I was genuine. So, looking at these people who'd definitely treated me better than others, I felt a stab of guilt.
Yes, guilt. Now, years later, I only have 272 friends. I no longer accept requests unless they are from people I will speak to or that I feel have the potential to be a close friend. No more forced acceptances. No more obligations. You either get accepted or not. I am not pressured anymore. If I find that we've outgrown one another, even if family, I will simply unfriend them. If need be, block them as well--though this has only happened like twice.
The truth is clutter, even digital, can have profound effects on our well-being. Crazy, I know. Personally, I believe we also lose sight of genuine conversation and merely begin "small talk" which is dreadfully dull. However, most importantly, we begin the dangerous dance with comparison and self-judgement. That's a triangle that at first may seem empowering. You may find yourself using their experiences to drive you to obtain similar experiences...but are they really what you want? Its easy in this day and age to lose sight of yourself.
I don't believe social media is bad at all and can be used to achieve great things! We just have to remember to be as responsible online as we are off. One step is to not just add anybody--even if you were close friends once upon a time ago. Re-connection is great and if that's what you feel you need then by all means go for it. However, should you find yourself no longer jiving together, no longer connecting, then do not feel like you must hold on simply due to the past. Allow room for true meaningful interactions and not just an ego boost. More "friends" doesn't make one popular and neither does a thousand likes on a post if its forced.
Just be you. You expend so much energy and effort to make your life and home a sacred space. Why then should your social media be exempt? That starts with who you allow in your life--on your "friends" list.
Brightest of Blessings,
The Autumn Witch
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