This morning I had the pained thought that it's been eight years since I graduated high school and what have I done since then? What have I accomplished? I didn't finish college due to medical issues and haven't had the money to return. I'm currently unemployed. I'm not married and neither do I have any children. Have I wasted all this time and became the person I swore I would never be? I had studied my ass of during high school, ensuring to take Honors and AP courses to help gear me towards college with as many clubs as I could possibly manage while working. I worked from the time I was 15 all the way to the time I graduated. I even managed my time so I could hang with friends. Life was fun, challenging, full of responsibilities, and each day was never the same.
I truly felt like the world was mine and I could do whatever it was I wanted. I worked hard and was accepted into my dream college! I still remember when I received that acceptance letter, how sweaty my palms were, how my heart raced, and how I trembled. I always offhandedly would say that if I didn't get accepted then I would just go to the community college until I could transfer--not that I actually wanted to. This was the school I wanted and had been the only one I'd applied to--talk about faith! Lo and behold, I had been accepted.
Voted as one of the nation's hardest colleges to earn an A, I worked my ass off so that I made mostly A's and B's. I even was inducted into the Foreign Language Honor Society my Freshman year! Talk about an achievement! It wasn't all studying though as I regularly could be found either with friends, in one of the clubs I'd excitedly joined, or with the Community Service Fraternity I'd rushed. Life was good. This was also the year I had begun converting to Judaism.
I was living life to the fullest, never worrying about tomorrow and truly believing the world was mine. I could do whatever I set my mind to and my past experiences had proven this. I felt invincible, thought I knew who I was, and what it was I wanted in life. After all, I'd wanted to be a teacher ever since I was in Kindergarten and here I was making that a reality! However, that was all stripped away from me as I began to have some crazy issues that ended up being caused by Vertigo which my doctor said probably had been triggered by stress. All because life was good didn't mean I wasn't having to study hard and I wasn't stressed about assignments. I was still a regular college kid!
I had left school after almost collapsing and falling down the stairs. It took a while before we got my Vertigo under control and during that time I hadn't been able to drive. I was stuck at home with absolutely nothing to do. One day my mom surprised me by taking me to Books-A-Million so I could buy something to read. It was then I stumbled upon Wicca, Witchcraft, and Paganism. I had always thought I was a witch but I didn't know it was an actual path!
It was during this time at home that I truly began discovering who I really was and what I wanted out of life. I wasn't meant to be Jewish--it was just the path that got me into thinking about Spirituality and Religion as I'd never seen the need for it beforehand. I realized I wanted to teach people, just not in a school. Not in a traditional sense. Then, as if to really surprise me, I discovered that I had a knack for law and enjoyed my Paralegal classes I'd begun taking. I was good at it and found it fascinating! My parents used to always say I should go into law since I love to argue but to me, law was stern, strict, and dry. Now I know how open it is to interpretation and how no two cases are ever truly alike.
I now know that I'm where I am meant to be. I didn't get lost but merely had to go on a journey of self-discovery as the person I am now is completely different to the person I was. I still have a ways to go but every day I embrace more of who I am. That girl I was was focused on conforming and being normal when in reality, I was meant to stand out. Just as we all are. I never gave thought to the possibilities around me and while believing I could do anything I want, I became focused on being who everyone wanted me to be. I wasn't asking myself who I was but instead was focused on creating a version of me that seemed to be a balance of both me and what was expected. That isn't fair to you.
While it does still pain me that I left school, I aim to return for my Paralegal degree as that is what I truly enjoy. I no longer worry what others will think should they see me dancing underneath the full moon instead of parked on a church pew come Sunday. I've learned to embrace my authenticity while no longer giving a damn how others perceive me as that is none of my concern. Growing up we were taught to be like everyone else. Don't ruffle feathers, keep your head down, sort of thing. Screw that! And that courage doesn't come from hiding your true self.
Having to give up on something, especially a long held-dream, like I did, is hard and scary. You had a plan and nothing seemed to come as a surprise. You knew what was expected, what you must do, and how the world seemed to work. To have that stripped away, whether intentionally or unintentionally, can leave you feeling devastated and empty. You are left uncertain and afraid. Just remember: it isn't the end. Oh no. Just as the Major Arcana starts, ends, and begins anew, so to do you, My Darling. Sometimes the most amazing shifts come through drastic changes. So, no I haven't wasted my life. It has only but just begun and what's even better, is now it's fully my life. I am able to live authentically and without worry that others will disapprove. I refuse to dull myself down for anyone.
Brightest of Blessings,
The Autumn Witch
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